Look! It's not a plane, it's not a bird, it's not Superman, in fact it's not even visible, it's a grunion. Grunion are a small fish, they supposedly look like a smelt. (Discussion Question: Don't you have to have smelled to smelt?) Anyway, for some unexplained reason, they like to spawn on the beach during the summer. There is a catch, these fish are very shy, so they only come out on the full moon, or the waning moon, and only at night. Now, I doubt that anyone has ever actually seen a grunion, but I do have a few theories as to why.
1. As a not conspiracy theorist, I felt that I needed to formulate a conspiracy theory. Here it is: Grunion are non-existent. They are made up by the CIA (Slogan: We know your mom!) to occupy the minds of potential terrorists such as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Osama bin Laden, and Regis Philbin.
2. Grunion are actually baby barracuda, they are not going to come onto the beach where we are waiting for them, they are waiting for us to come into the knee deep water, where most barracuda attacks occur.
3. The word grunion was made up by Hollywood film producers as part of a code name for the bay of pigs invasion. They figured out that a cool name would bolster confidence, and they were right, the invasion wouldn't have failed if it had been called Operation Desert Grunion. Bay of Pigs sounds like a butcher company, or maybe a breakfast shop.
4. Perhaps the moon that the grunion are waiting for is not the lunar moon, but a physical moon. Perhaps by lowering ones trousers, grunion can be lured out of the water and captured. In fact, the testimonial of Ethan Distercart seems to prove this point. " I was at the beach one evening with a few of my buddies. We were frolicking in the water and having a jolly old time. All of the sudden, I felt a jerk as my trousers were yanked down by my friend George. As I was frantically trying to return my pants to their original position, a wave came in and I was suddenly surounded by these little fish that really smelt. It was magnificent!"

Beware the Eight Legged Monster...

It is reported that large numbers of squid have moved into Californian Waters. Is there a doctor among them?

It is well observed that most doctors refuse to say the word pain. Well, I have wonderful proof of this now. I went in yesterday, Wednesday the 16Th, to get an ingrown toenail removed. I was informed when I was getting my toe anesthetized that I would feel a prick and a bit of a burning sensation. That was partially truthful. I felt a small prick of the needle, and a little bit of discomfort when needle was moved around. All of the sudden, there was an incredibly painful...pain in my toe. I gasped and nearly died. Then, it receded, and I got another shot which had a similar pain. For the value of others, I felt that I should rate certain phrases and their respective pain level.
1. You will feel a prick: This is a low level pain. You may feel a needle the size of a medieval javelin pierce your skin. You hear this all the time when you have vacinations and anesthesia.
2. You may feel a buzzing: Two words: Severe Irritation. You will eventually feel the need to rip your skin off your body.
3. You will feel a bit of pressure: Prepare for death. The pain will be absolutely excruciating. If you aren't restrained, bolt for the nearest window. If you can't, well, suicide may be a decent option.

Cell Phone Fever

Taking a look back in history, we scoff at the primitive man's attempts to label a disease. I mean, names like, Cholera, Dysentery, and Cabin Fever are just silly. It's like they were begging us to mock them. Well the mocking stops today!!! Today is the day, when I, a highly qualified professional, diagnose the first cases of Cell Phone Fever.
This disorder is highly debilitating in nature. Early symptoms are a general dependence on one's cell phone. Instances when an individual feels uncomfortable without their phone are a good hint of the disease. Intermediate symptoms may include, but are not limited to: The swelling of fingers from prolonged texting, and whatever else the surgeon general wants to add. I would have to say, that guy has the easiest job, all he has to do is say " This product contains such and such, which is known in the state of California to cause such and such." Final symptoms may include: Crossing of the eyes, thumbs the size of a beaver's tail, withdrawal from society, inability to speak or write in an intelligible manner, and enormous cell phone bills, which ultimately result in death.
In light of these horrific symptoms, it is easy for some to say, " OMG i'll nevr use my cell phn again." I would have to say that it's about time. The recommended treatment is to burn, destroy, or throw your phone away, and never look at one again. This is the only method that has shown a 100% recovery rate. For the rest of you, you probably say to your self, " Isn't that a bit extreme? What's this guy raving about? This is America, there'll be an easier way eventually." Well, I don't have time to waste on bad attitudes. I've gt stff 2 do. Brb.